Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
