The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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