I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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