In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
