Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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