I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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