I can feel you judging me through the phone.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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