We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
