Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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