I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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