I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
