i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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