im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
