I think my fart just growled at me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
