Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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