you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
