Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
