somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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