In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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