I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
