you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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