I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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