the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
