Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
