First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
