Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
