When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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