Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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