Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
