I molested 6 butterflies tonight
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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