3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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