it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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