Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
dude. I can hear the air.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
