well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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