Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He better not be in your backpack
I fill condoms, not promises.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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