Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
