I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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