Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
