sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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