i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
