i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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