It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
