my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
