I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
