we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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