Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
