If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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