At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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