the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
