she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
