dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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