Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
