Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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