I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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