theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She's the barista slut.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
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You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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