Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
