I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
my poor anus
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
