There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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