I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
