3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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