Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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