Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Randomize
