I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
